dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
