final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
