You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
