That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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