Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
