all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
