Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
