the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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