god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
