It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
