I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
