Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Text me some of your sweat
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