If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
