I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
