His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
