A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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