my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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