I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
