just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
