last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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