I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize