I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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