It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
