New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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