Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize