The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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