I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
