he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
