In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
