I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
