I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
