I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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