I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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