Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
