tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
