Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
