guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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