I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
