I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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