Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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