There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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