you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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