theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
