Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
