you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
