she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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