It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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