I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize