My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
