I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
