david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
