Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
