i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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