Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
