Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize