What did we do last night that was yellow?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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