you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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