Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
