I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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