if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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