If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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