So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
