I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize