Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
