Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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